I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
