Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize