Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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