oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
