So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I can tuck mytits in my pants
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
