gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
