i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
