There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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