i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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