ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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