I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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