I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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