I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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