Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
