I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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