im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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