I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
