first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just googled if crying burns calories
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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