Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
