We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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