What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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