Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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