Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
