i wish there were pregnant emoticons
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
