Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
