you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
