My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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