there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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