I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Randomize