proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize