final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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