i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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