hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
