do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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