What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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