seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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