God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Randomize
