I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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