i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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