i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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