she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Randomize