i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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