i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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