I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
