Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
My ass is underappreciated
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
its liver damage thursday
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
