I didn't shave. On purpose
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
