like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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