I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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