i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize