Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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