So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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