i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
