theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
