I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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