Already got asked if we're dating
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Sober January is a disaster.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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