FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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