Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
