I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
