Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Can I color on your dick again?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
