it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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