Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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