atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
