aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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